Welcome back everyone! I hope you are all having a great week. We’re almost to the weekend! Today I’m linking up with Amanda again for Thinking Out Loud. Today I’m just focusing on one topic and using this linkup as an opportunity to think out loud bout the main thing that has been on my mind lately: College. I’ll be sharing my fears and concerns about college. If anyone has any freshmen year advice that would be SO helpful for me and I would really appreciate it.
One month from today I will be moving into college. If I’m being completely honest, I’m terrified. I can’t help but be concerned that this is not normal to be feeling. All of my friends, people from high school, other people going to my college, are all so excited. They can’t wait to move in. A couple of my friends have been saying that move in day cannot come soon enough. I feel the complete opposite. For me it’s coming too fast.
Don’t get me wrong I am excited for different aspects of college, but my fears are definitely greater. I’m terrified of being away from home. I am SO CLOSE with my family that I genuinely have no idea how I will go for days, maybe weeks without seeing them. I’m not going to school that far from home so they can come visit easily but still I can’t help but feel that going away isn’t for me.
I know that there is nothing wrong with living at home and going to a college in your hometown but I struggle with the idea of that. I have always judged people for doing that. i always said “Who wouldn’t want to go away? Who would want to stay in the area and live at home? They’re basically giving up on themselves. They could do so much better, why settle?” I was very naive when I said those things. There is NOTHING wrong with living at home and going to a local college. It saves so much money and you still get a good quality education. I guess because all of my siblings went away, it just seems natural and normal to me, and I always based my ideas about college around them.
I can’t help but wonder though, are my fears stemming from my eating disorder? Is it my eating disorder who doesn’t like the idea of going away? They don’t like change, right? So maybe that’s why I’m feeing this way? I don’t know. I had a horrible time at my orientation. I cried at my orientation, numerous times. I cried to my mom after that I didn’t think I was ready. I convinced myself that it was just because it was orientation, everyone hates orientation. Then, one of my best friends told me she LOVED her orientation. She had a great time. She even threw a party (she’s crazy lol).
I’m afraid that I will hate the school. I did not get the best impression of the other people when I was at orientation. A lot of the girls seemed cliquey already. They seemed stuck up and snotty. To be fair, I had heard warnings from two different people saying that the people there were all stuck up but I ignored it. I mean I still can’t really judge that because I only spent two days there. Some of the girls were really nice but others just seemed fake and bitchy. I hate to say that too because I just posted about how we shouldn’t judge others.
I’m afraid that I will end up relapsing. I DO NOT WANT TO RELAPSE. AT ALL. But, I’m worried that I might because it seems like my doctor, therapist, and nutritionist think I will. I mean, who could blame them? I don’t exactly have the best track record with situations where I am on my own. But, I’ve grown and feel like I will be much more prepared at college. I will be able to keep food in my dorm at all times, especially in case I can’t find anything at the dining hall.
I’m also scared I won’t make any friends. I am very shy and quiet. I didn’t make any friends at orientation, whereas most other people did. I’m not outgoing. I’m not good at talking to others and putting myself out there. I don’t know anyone there and that terrifies me. Three of my friends almost went to the same college with me but they all decided to go to another school. I’m jealous that they will all have each other. I wish I knew just one person from home, it would be a lot more comforting for me.
Four years ago I was about to start high school. I remember it like yesterday. I was so excited. I could not wait. I had such high expectations. I was SO ready to start a new school and meet new people. It concerns me that I don’t feel the same way now about college.
I know that I need to go to college though. I need to try it. I might hate it and have all my fears come true. But I may also LOVE it. I may get there, fall in love with the school, make amazing friends, continue to progress and even thrive in my recovery. I know if I don’t like it though, I don’t have to stay. There is nothing holding me to stay, no one forcing me to stay somewhere that doesn’t make me happy. Maybe this won’t be the school for me. That’s common. A lot of people switch schools.
I know this transition is going to really hard for me. I love my family and my hometown. I love it here. But, I need to try to expand. I would hate to think that I would let fear get in the way of me living my life to the fullest. I would hate to think I decided to stay home and not even give it a chance. I always looked forward to college when I was little. I can’t take that away from myself. And yeah, I have a lot of fears, but I’m also excited. This schooling will lead me to my career. I’ll actually be able to learn things that I’m interested in. i’ll meet new people. Live in a new town, which I love.
This post was probably once again all over the place. But that’s where my mind is when it comes to this next stage in my life. I’m scared. I’m anxious. I don’t tell many people that. But here I am being super vulnerable about all my fears on the internet.
Once again if anyone has any freshman year advice for me, I would really appreciate it. Also, thank you again Amanda for providing the opportunity for me to share what’s been on my mind lately.