Thinking Out Loud: Concerns About College

Welcome back everyone! I hope you are all having a great week. We’re almost to the weekend! Today I’m linking up with Amanda again for Thinking Out Loud. Today I’m just focusing on one topic and using this linkup as an opportunity to think out loud bout the main thing that has been on my mind lately: College. I’ll be sharing my fears and concerns about college. If anyone has any freshmen year advice that would be SO helpful for me and I would really appreciate it.

One month from today I will be moving into college. If I’m being completely honest, I’m terrified. I can’t help but be concerned that this is not normal to be feeling. All of my friends, people from high school, other people going to my college, are all so excited. They can’t wait to move in. A couple of my friends have been saying that move in day cannot come soon enough. I feel the complete opposite. For me it’s coming too fast.

Don’t get me wrong I am excited for different aspects of college, but my fears are definitely greater. I’m terrified of being away from home. I am SO CLOSE with my family that I genuinely have no idea how I will go for days, maybe weeks  without seeing them. I’m not going to school that far from home so they can come visit easily but still I can’t help but feel that going away isn’t for me.

I know that there is nothing wrong with living at home and going to a college in your hometown but I struggle with the idea of that. I have always judged people for doing that. i always said “Who wouldn’t want to go away? Who would want to stay in the area and live at home? They’re basically giving up on themselves. They could do so much better, why settle?” I was very naive when I said those things. There is NOTHING wrong with living at home and going to a local college. It saves so much money and you still get a good quality education. I guess because all of my siblings went away, it just seems natural and normal to me, and I always based my ideas about college around them.

I can’t help but wonder though, are my fears stemming from my eating disorder? Is it my eating disorder who doesn’t like the idea of going away? They don’t like change, right? So maybe that’s why I’m feeing this way? I don’t know. I had a horrible time at my orientation. I cried at my orientation, numerous times. I cried to my mom after that I didn’t think I was ready. I convinced myself that it was just because it was orientation, everyone hates orientation. Then, one of my best friends told me she LOVED her orientation. She had a great time. She even threw a party (she’s crazy lol).

I’m afraid that I will hate the school. I did not get the best impression of the other people when I was at orientation. A lot of the girls seemed cliquey already. They seemed stuck up and snotty. To be fair, I had heard warnings from two different people saying that the people there were all stuck up but I ignored it. I mean I still can’t really judge that because I only spent two days there. Some of the girls were really nice but others just seemed fake and bitchy. I hate to say that too because I just posted about how we shouldn’t judge others.

I’m afraid that I will end up relapsing. I DO NOT WANT TO RELAPSE. AT ALL. But, I’m worried that I might because it seems like my doctor, therapist, and nutritionist think I will. I mean, who could blame them? I don’t exactly have the best track record with situations where I am on my own. But, I’ve grown and feel like I will be much more prepared at college. I will be able to keep food in my dorm at all times, especially in case I can’t find anything at the dining hall.

I’m also scared I won’t make any friends. I am very shy and quiet. I didn’t make any friends at orientation, whereas most other people did. I’m not outgoing. I’m not good at talking to others and putting myself out there. I don’t know anyone there and that terrifies me. Three of my friends almost went to the same college with me but they all decided to go to another school. I’m jealous that they will all have each other. I wish I knew just one person from home, it would be a lot more comforting for me.

Four years ago I was about to start high school. I remember it like yesterday. I was so excited. I could not wait. I had such high expectations. I was SO ready to start a new school and meet new people. It concerns me that I don’t feel the same way now about college.

I know that I need to go to college though. I need to try it. I might hate it and have all my fears come true. But I may also LOVE it. I may get there, fall in love with the school, make amazing friends, continue to progress and even thrive in my recovery. I know if I don’t like it though, I don’t have to stay. There is nothing holding me to stay, no one forcing me to stay somewhere that doesn’t make me happy. Maybe this won’t be the school for me. That’s common. A lot of people switch schools.

I know this transition is going to really hard for me. I love my family and my hometown. I love it here. But, I need to try to expand. I would hate to think that I would let fear get in the way of me living my life to the fullest. I would hate to think I decided to stay home and not even give it a chance. I always looked forward to college when I was little. I can’t take that away from myself. And yeah, I have a lot of fears, but I’m also excited. This schooling will lead me to my career. I’ll actually be able to learn things that I’m interested in. i’ll meet new people. Live in a new town, which I love.

This post was probably once again all over the place. But that’s where my mind is when it comes to this next stage in my life. I’m scared. I’m anxious. I don’t tell many people that. But here I am being super vulnerable about all my fears on the internet.

Once again if anyone has any freshman year advice for me, I would really appreciate it. Also, thank you again Amanda for providing the opportunity for me to share what’s been on my mind lately.

xoxo

Michelle

 

Advertisements

9 Comments Add yours

  1. Ellen says:

    (This comment is probably going to be a tad rambly.)
    Honestly, I think going into college with as few expectations as possible and an open mind is the best thing you can do for yourself. I mean, expect to learn a lot and gain some independence and meet new people, but don’t expect “the best time ever” or even “the worst time ever”. Those are just going to set you up to be unhappy.

    The time you had at orientation isn’t necessarily indicative of your time at school, but I’m sure you already know that.

    Whether you’re near your family or far from them, it’s not bad to still stay connected with them if you’re close. I heard all sorts of things saying not to contact family for at least 2 weeks, but when I had time and felt like it, I still checked in with them. Once I got my routine down, I ended up talking to/texting them plenty. Nothing wrong with developing that connection (especially in your case if you need ED support).

    And finally, whatever happens, know that you are not doing college “wrong”. There’s not one right way to “do” college. You can go for a year and take some time off and come back or go straight through undergrad and then onto grad school. You can go to parties any night of the week, but you can also stay in and hang out watching Netflix. Maybe you make best friends in the first week, and maybe you’ll go the whole four years with some good-but-not-best friends. Whatever happens, you’re doing the best you can, and that’s the right thing to do. You got this. 🙂

    Like

    1. Thank you! I know orientation is different than what school will be like so I’m hoping that I will end up having a much better time. But, I am going in without expectations because I don’t want to set the bar so high where nothing lives up to it but I also don’t want to go in thinking I’ll hate it because then I will. Attitude is key.

      Like

  2. I went through a lot of the same feelings before I went off to college 4 years ago. I was excited to start a new chapter in my life, but growing up in the same town my whole life and having gone to school with the same people made me nervous on how I was going to start something new. I was nervous as I was going to a college with 40,000+ people and was afraid that I would be lost in the crowd. I found that joining clubs with interests similar to mine helped me to meet new people that I already had something in common with. I never really made any friends in classes since there were SO many people in a huge lecture hall, but finding small clubs helped me to connect with people through meetings, social events, and outings and I think that really helped me to find a home away from home at school. I know it will be a huge transition for you, but going away to school was probably the best thing I could have done for myself and I am so happy I did it!

    Like

    1. Thank you for the advice. I’m releived to know I’m not the only one who has felt this way. I know I will end up having some great times but the initial leap is hard

      Like

  3. Lyss says:

    I had so many of the same concerns going into college last year. I promise you though everything will be okay and work out!! It’s scary and your allowed to be scared and nervous- that’s just normal! Take it one day at a time and one step at a time. You will meet friends and people will love you- there’s so many amazing souls out there you haven’t met! ❤

    Like

    1. Thanks, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has felt this way 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Emma says:

    Don’t worry, Michelle, you will do great 🙂 I just finished my first year of college and can assure you of that. Freshman year has its ups and downs, but college has SO much to offer! Embrace the opportunities, stay positive, and remember it’s okay to not ALWAYS be okay. Just make an effort to meet great people that can help you when you’re feeling homesick, stressed, etc 🙂
    I actually posted a few days ago with some college tips, check them out if you want. If you want anymore advice, don’t hesitate to contact me!
    Good luck!!!!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s